A Really Disturbing Valentine's Day
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Stan spends his Valentine's Day attempting to assassinate Hitler in Antarctica and bring him back dead to Francine to prove his manhood. And fulfill CIA orders of course.


It was Valentine's Day in the Smith home.

"Francine, I want you to have these," said Stan, giving Francine a bouquet of roses.

"Oh Stan, they smell like the Garden of Eden" said Francine.

"Yeah. That's where I got them from. Went through a CIA stargate just to get em. Roger, how ya doing?" said Stan, as he noticed Roger coming down the stairs.

"Bullock has a very important phone call for you. He says it's so urgent the fate of humanity is at stake. Not that I really care about humanity, but I figured it was my duty to inform you of this desperate moment!" said Roger.

"Sorry Francine, I've got to go" said Stan.

"But Stan, it's Valentine's Day. This is the one day of the year you're ALWAYS supposed to be together with your loved ones" protested Francine.

"Francine, I can project a hologram that can give you infinite holographic flowers. I'll have Bullock's best scientists build me one" said Stan, racing out the door to CIA Headquarters.

"Oh...okay" said Francine. She sat down to eat with the kids, and Roger.

"I JUST BROKE MY HAND CRAFTED WINE GLASSES. Given to me by Sandra Lee!" said Roger, crying.

"Cheer up Roger, you can go on a mission with Stan today. I declare it so, I'm the goddess, I rule!" said Francine.

"I'm hungry," said Haylee.

"Haylee you're getting fat. You can't just eat all the time" said Francine

"You have to eat to live. It's essential to life like breathing!" shouted Haylee.

"Haylee, don't you get it? That was all by design!" said Francine.

"Has Mom been staying up too late on her computer again?" asked Steve.

"Yeah. Probably," replied Haylee.

Meanwhile, Roger ended up joining Stan at CIA HQ for the briefing:

"Roger, you shouldn't be here" said Stan.

"Name isn't Roger. It's Indiana Groans. I tell bad jokes and make all the ladies swoon for me" replied Roger.

"Oh. Okay, well be quiet. Bullock has a Powerpoint to show us" said Stan.

"Kill the lights!" said Bullock. A CIA agent shot the light bulb with his gun. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

"Sir, is Powerpoint not working?" asked Stan.

"Come to think of it, no it's not. Anyway, Stan, this is every bit as urgent as I said it was. It appears that something strange happened in Antarctica" said Bullock.

"Ooh, tell me, I love that stuff" said Stan.

"Well...it looks like global warming...thawed out Hitler. Our intel suggests he is still alive, he stayed that way due to an alien implant in his right foot that was put there after he escaped at the end of the war" said Bullock.

"Bullock, have you been doing too much cocaine? Cuz I think you have, I would know" said Roger.

"Shut up Roger, I think this sounds...like a load of crap," said Stan.

"It is not. I am completely and utterly serious. This is photographic proof!" said Bullock pulling down a slide.

"That...that's a picture of my daughter in a swimsuit" said Stan.

"Oh...woopsie! THIS...is our proof" said Bullock.

"That's Angelina Jolie's butt. That's a monkey. That's Bowser. That's Bowzette. Been trying to get Francine into that, oh that's a kite!" said Stan.

"What is wrong this this projector" said Bullock.

"That's a picture of a donut in a top hat" said Stan.

"Anyway, screw the powerpoint. You're booked on a flight to Antarctica. When you see the german dictator, and trust me you WILL, I want you to kill him so he doesn't try to take over the world again" said Bullock.

"Got it! Just gotta review this super bowl ad and get paid 2 cents. Beer and wind power, really? That's like...beer...and wind power, it just doesn't make sense! Why not hamburgers and uranium instead?" said Stan.

Later...in Antarctica...

"Woah, that airline food was good. Get it? Cuz usually people say airline food sucks. Okay so you don't get it!" said Roger.

"I can't believe the CIA actually thinks Hitler is still alive here. I've only been out here for five seconds and I feel like I'm gonna turn into Jack Frost" said Stan.

"Even if you did turn into Jack Frost, which would be super sexually gratifying and awesome, you'd still technically be alive, so yeah, point made" said Roger.

"Indiana Groans, shut the hell up okay? Now if I can just set up this Hitler detector we should be able to find them. God, it feels horrible just mentioning the guy should we be doing this?" asked Stan.

"To hell with you Stan this is all in good fun. Now, if I were an evil german dictator where would I hide in a frozen wasteland?" asked Roger. He saw a lone iceberg in the distance.

"You've been staring at that iceburg for almost half an hour. You think there's something to it?" asked Stan.

"I KNOW THERE IS!" replied Roger. He jumped in the water.

"Why are you looking at me with that creepy stare?" asked Stan.

"I want you to jump on me as if I'm a surfboard" said Roger.

"Are you coming on to me again? I've already told you I'm as straight as an arrow. Maybe even straighter" said Stan.

"No, I'm a surfboard" said Roger, as he began to shapeshift into a surfboard.

"Okay, works for me" said Stan. After surfing up to the iceberg, Roger turned back into an alien and he and Stan jumped on a frozen platform for safety. Roger pulled out a flamethrower.

"I don't think he's quite thawed out yet" said Roger. He sent the flamethrower on high and thawed out the ice. Sure enough there was Hitler, and he screamed the most dreadful scream you'd ever imagine as his butt was burned.

"Scheiße! AAAAUH!" shouted Hitler.

"Oh my god...it's really Adolf Hitler. Roger, why did you help thaw him out?" asked Stan.

"I thought maybe Klaus wanted to be the one to kill him to show the audience that not all germans supported him" said Roger.

"What? You mean you brought Klaus?" asked Stan.

"Oh crap, he froze to death. Oh well!" said Roger tossing the dead fish in the arctic ocean

"Roger you are such a moron" said Stan.

"Ahem. Not Roger. What do you call Hitler's favorite movie series?" asked Roger.

"I don't know," replied Stan.

"The Pink Panzer! You know, panzer tanks? No, you don't get it. No one does" replied Roger.

"Was passiert mit der schönen Stadt Berlin? Es ist eine gefrorene Einöde von, was es einmal war!" said Hitler.

"I think he's speaking Venus, let me see here..." said Roger looking through an alien booklet.

"No, no. That's distinctly German. Hitler never learned English!" said Stan. Hitler began angrily motioning Stan and Roger with his fists and jumping up and down, almost breaking the ice that he was standing on but not quite.

"Dies ist Ihr tut. Ich allein müssen kämpfen, um für alle eine bittere Ewigkeit gegen dich kämpfen!" said Hitler.

"You want a compfy bear fur mattress for you and Eva Braun but Eric Hartman won't buy you one?" asked Stan. Hitler looked even more furious.

"I think I know what to do!" said Roger, pointing a top secret CIA Area 51 language teaching/warping device at Hitler's head.

Suddenly he was speaking in fluent English.

"My eternal struggle against you will never ever end! I alone will teach you to mess with me!" said Hitler.

"Well I would think if a struggle was eternal it would never end. Listen, Hitler, you were a bad person. Like a really...really...really...bad person" said Stan.

"Yeah. You're lucky we don't kill you right here and right now" said Roger. Hitler suddenly lunged for Stan and Roger like a crazed hyena and Stan and Roger swam away as fast as they could. They finally reached a mass of ice for safety, breathing and panting heavily.

"Stan, I think I left your mobile phone with Hitler" said Roger.

A half hour later...

"I'm starting to think maybe we hallucinated that whole thing" said Stan.

"No, no, Stan we didn't. He told us to get fucked in German and he has your Apple device" said Roger.

"I really...really..don't want to imagine that" said Stan.

"A guy who looks like Steve called Admiral Nerd said that an ancient civilization of friendly anime girls lives under the ice caps here" said Roger.

"Ah-hahahah. Yeah. No," said Stan. Suddenly, a cute lady in a Victorian dress jumped out of the ice behind them armed with a snowgun.

"Yeah. We're definitely hallucinating" said Stan.

"I...I think I'm in love" said Roger fainting.

Ten minutes later...Roger, Stan, and the anime girl were eating chocolate popcicles.

"So...so what's your name?" asked Stan.

"Kamilla" said Kamilla, slurping up her dessert.

"That's a cool name. You look like an angel. So, what made you come down here and break the ice?" asked Stan.

"The-the-the weird guy got loose again, and...I am indeed...an angel" said Kamilla.

"Kamilla, there's this lady I know called Francine, and she can NEVER know about us okay?" said Stan.

"I'm married," replied Kamilla. "To a guy called Fritz. We live in the Hollow Earth"

"OH MY GOSH. Wakanda?" said Roger. Stan slapped Roger.

"No the other one for white people" said Stan.

"Oh," replied Roger.

"I share the same goal as you two. We have to stop Hitler and bring him in for an IceyBurg trial" said Kamilla.

"Right. Wait, what? Anyway, let's go get him!" said Stan, putting on a red hat.

Roger, Stan and Kamilla used binoculars to try to locate Hitler.

"He's...he's naked" said Kamilla, her eyes wideneing.

"He really does have only one testicle!" exclaimed Stan.

"He's...running around...tapping the mobile phone" said Roger.

"Yes my brave youth! Get all the magical relics!" shouted Hitler as he was running and playing some sort of RPG fantasy game.

"Somebody call St. Valentine, it's time for a massacre!" said Stan, pulling out his gun and firing. But suddenly Hitler was right behind them.

"Finally! I can vin zeh war without taking in-person advice from generals who cannot see past their own nose! They know as much about war as reconstructing a glow-worms anus!" said Hitler, referring to Universe of Tanks, a World War 2 strategy game on Stan's mobile phone.

"Hey Hitler!" said Roger.

"Roger shut up that's not funny" said Stan.

"Sorry," replied Roger.

"Okay Hitler, we're gonna need your help to find Hitler" said Stan.

"Stan, that IS Hitler" said Roger.

"Oh. You mean it doesn't work like that?" asked Stan. Kamilla took things into her own hands and tackled Hitler to the ground.

"You decimated our world. You nearly killed us all!" said Kamilla, slapping Hitler over and over.

"Vhat? Vhat are you talking about Eva?" asked Hitler, who was out of touch with reality.

"You ruined us all with your hate, your malice, you're a mass murderer" said Kamilla.

"It was my struggle, don't you see? AAAUGH!" said Hitler.

"You want a struggle I'll give you a struggle!" said Kamilla. Suddenly the phone went flying from Hitler's grasp and into Roger's hands.

"Oh my god, Hitler was playing a mobile game. He's addicted to the Legend of Helga, and Universe of Tanks...Yep. They were my favorite games too. Oh well!" said Roger.

"Freeze everyone in the name of Kamilla!" said a voice in the distance. It was an evil Kamilla clone.

"OH MY GOSH! Kamilla became evil in another dimension" said Stan. A man was with her. They were both blond haired and blue eyed.

"Leave our savior alone" said Kamilla, firing a snow gun at Stan. A snowball barely missed him.

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? I'M CONFUSED, AAAAH!" shrieked Roger running away.

"Ya really wanna know?" asked Kamilla. She began strutting and shaking her curvy hips, then snapping her fingers to a beat.

"Ooh, ooh, baby we're Fritz and Kamilla, eyes blue, hair blonde, and skin that's vanilla! We'll defeat you with out power as you scream and cower...under a pillow in your final hour!" sang Kamilla. Fritz then lifted up her skirt and slapped her butt.

"I don't believe this" said Roger.

"Fritz is here, here for a blitz, gonna have me some fun trashing some nitwits!" said Fritz.

"Is that really the best you could come up with?" asked Kamilla.

"I know how to solve this problem!" said Stan. He pulled out a Luger that was snagged off of Hitler and shot Fritz and Kamilla dead one by one. Then Kamilla signaled for the army of anime girls, along with the real King Fritz who was benevolent, and they grabbed Hitler and took him into custody. Stan raced into the portal and entered Hollow Earth.

"Look, guys, you gotta give me Hitler or the CIA will kill me" said Stan.

"STOP IT! I should have you all know I am dope on zeh mic!" said Hitler.

"Well Stan, death isn't the end," said King Fritz. "It's all part of the evolutionary spiritual process"

"Yeah, I know, god it smells like angelic perfume in here and those crystal cities are gorgeous but...I gotta go now and take Hitler with me!" said Stan. Suddenly he saw a helicopter above. It was Bullock. The helicopter snatched up Stan, Roger, and Hitler.

"Look, Bullock, I want to shoot Hitler and bring him back as a trophy for my wife this Valentine's Day" said Stan.

"Oh, alright" replied Bullock. "Little does he know what REALLY happened. It was all a psychological test of loyalty and gullibility. Fritz and Kamilla though, they were real they came through a portal from FictionPress Zone"

Stan returned home.

"Hey Francine, look who I brought" said Stan, pulling out a bloody Hitler corpse.

"Stan, you don't have to bring me flowers...or aliens...or frozen german dictators. You brought me...you!" said Francine.

"You mean you heard the story?" asked Stan.

"One of your devices you accidentally left home. We heard the whole mission, we were cheering you on all the way" said Francine.

"Happy Valentine's Day. You know, I never did think global warming was man made. It's made by a woman so hot she'd melt the arctic. You!" said Stan

"Oh Stan, that's so...ridiculous" said Francine.

"Just like this whole entire fanfic concept was baby. Oh, and Klaus? He's dead. Yes, Klaus is dead" said Stan.

The End


End file.
